I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
