the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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