Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
