I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
