Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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