So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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