Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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