Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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