Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
