the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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