If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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