I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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