he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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