dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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