I puked a lego.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
