I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
