Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it's great music for shaving your balls
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
