Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You made out with two different species that night
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
