U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
this beer tastes like vomit already
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
