Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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