I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
