How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
