I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
