Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
