the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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