the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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