we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
