So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
