After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
