Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
