i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
