I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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