My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
