If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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