thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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