You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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