RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
