During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
