i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
