Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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