Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
