I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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