she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
