Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
