But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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