You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
