is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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