We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
