Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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