Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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