Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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