u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
