I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
