all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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