I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
